The idea that one day I’ll reach happiness—the kind that aligns perfectly with everyone looking at me in admiration (according to society’s standards)—is bullshit. I know that. You know that. We all know that. So why do we keep chasing it?

The idea that I’ll have all my boxes ticked, that everything will fall into place according to a plan I made a long time ago when I was a naive kid, is complete bullshit. And the notion that I know now what will make me happy in the future? That’s the same bullshit.

So why do I keep making the same mistake? Where does this fear of failing come from? Didn’t I taste the freedom of letting go before? So why do I find myself locking everything down again? Maybe it’s something about the near future that doesn’t feel right.

The younger version of me, the one who was a planner, was naive. That version believed life could be mapped out, controlled, predicted. But the me who plans today knows better—or at least knows enough to admit that I have no clue what my future needs will be. The perfect plan isn’t a solid blueprint; it’s an open-ended one. It’s a plan that’s free from my own judgments, a plan that’s flexible, adaptable, open to change.

But here’s the trick: I have to fight myself to keep it that way. It’s a constant battle to resist the urge to lock things down, to control, to predict. Keeping the plan as open as I want it to be is hard as hell, but it’s the only way to avoid the trap of my own expectations. The truth is, the only way to stay free is to embrace the unknown and let the future unfold without trying to force it into a box. I’m still learning to do that.